Posted in March, Uncategorized

Easter Break

I had originally not planned to make this blog into a getaway for my emotional moments – but well, so it seems to have become.

It’s Easter break, and everyone’ talking about how fun they are having. One of my friends were on a yacht yesterday, whilst my other friend’s having a family gathering in a nearby city. She’s got three aunts and one uncle, making their family gathering consisting of at least twenty people.

It’s nice to hear about other people’s happy times – it genuinely is. But more times than needed, I would feel a slight bitterness wash through my chest and onto my fingertips. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s almost as if everyone around me know exactly what they want, and what they’re supposed to do in order to get what they want.

As for me… at least at this very moment, I’m ashamed of my problems. I’m ashamed, because my problems are trivial things for other people.

The bitterness I feel in my chest isn’t jealousy towards my friends. It might seem like it, and it might sound like I’m not aware of my own emotions – at least when it comes to its’ identification.

Human beings are somehow programmed to only see the negative things in life – and I hate it, because that’s exactly how I am. I wouldn’t call myself pessimistic, but every time something bad happens, I just can’t help but feel the rage I have for the world – but mainly for myself.

I have been on driving lessons for the past few days, and it actually went quite well.

But today, I somehow was very unfocused – enough for my teacher to suggest another teacher for me. I’m hardheaded, she says, and that I don’t quite listen to the things she says. I should also drive an automatic car, because I just can’t seem to get the whole changing gear thing.

I’m annoyed at myself for being so hardheaded, especially when it’s the second time I’ve been told the things she said to me to day. I’m definitely the problem, but I was so positive that I had made a difference. I thought I had changed at least a little bit – for the better.

I’m stressed, because I’m planning to get my car license this year in June/July. I don’t want to waste so much money – especially when it’s not my own.

It might seem like I’m being overdramatic about my car license situation – truth is, I know that’s the case. But it’s things like these that make my mind trigger a negativity point in my head where my brain decides that I should be reminded of everything that I’m bad at in life. One major factor after another, I slowly find myself being drowned in life – and I would suddenly find myself wondering, why can’t I be like this or that person?

 

A lot of people whom don’t understand depression usually says things like, “it’s going to be alright”, and “it’s not your fault”. Truth is, depressed people are fully aware of their situation – they know that it’s trivial matters that’s making them depressed sometimes.

“It’s definitely my own fault. I just haven’t tried hard enough.” are the only words that would go through my head when I hear comforting words from friends and family.

It’s the overwhelming emotions that’s making depression uncontrollable at times, not the act of understanding what one is depressed about.

Either way, I hope I’ll find a playlist that’s good enough to lift my spirits. Stressing about things like this, topping it with things like housing and university choices will  most certainly make my head explode.

(Happy Easter by the way).

 

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Posted in March

An Alternate Universe

In the long run, an alternate universe would be the solution to solving all of our problems. Whether it’s about complicated relationships, or life goals that never seems to be achieved, humans always wish for a loophole in which everyone and everything will seem and be easier than the world we’re currently living in.

Personally, I am also guilty of such thoughts. How wonderful would it be to teleport yourself  to a world with no problems? Or, at least, has things and situations that you’d wish for yourself in the real world?

Want the job? You’d get it in the alternate world.

Want the grades? You’d get hem in the alternate world.

But ultimately speaking, loopholes are for the lost ones. For the ones who feels that everything is lost, much alike the confusion one feels when they don’t know which way to turn while driving.

I like to remind myself where I am, and who I am at times in order to keep my feelings in check. Stress, breakdowns, depression… such things are only temporary. And yet it’s so hard to do the right thing at the right time. It’s obvious what the right thing is, right? Getting bad grades or getting yelled at isn’t the end of the world. Yet our brains  decides to extract chemicals that through chemical reactions become hormones that either makes our faces really spotty or childish by acting selfish – as if we’re the only ones who are having a rough time in this world filled with people who are still living in poverty or sadness.

Even this blog post is quite selfish of me. I, who have the privilege to have access to the internet and a roof over my head, as a getaway where I can vent my feelings in one way or another. But what about people who can’t? Those who have their logic and morals overtaken by the temporary feelings that they feel are monsters in our current society. Yet we will never understand – what is it like? Is it really because we’re so disconnected with such people that makes them people of “another kind”?

We’re all human beings whom with the evolution of this planet became thinking individuals with minds more complex than anything in this world – or are we?

I realize that the moral of this rant does not exist since I’m continuously diving into new problems at every new sentence. But one thing’s for sure – this, too, shall pass. Whatever it is, whomever is causing this – it will go away.

Song of the Day – Comfortzone by Basecamp