I had originally not planned to make this blog into a getaway for my emotional moments – but well, so it seems to have become.
It’s Easter break, and everyone’ talking about how fun they are having. One of my friends were on a yacht yesterday, whilst my other friend’s having a family gathering in a nearby city. She’s got three aunts and one uncle, making their family gathering consisting of at least twenty people.
It’s nice to hear about other people’s happy times – it genuinely is. But more times than needed, I would feel a slight bitterness wash through my chest and onto my fingertips. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s almost as if everyone around me know exactly what they want, and what they’re supposed to do in order to get what they want.
As for me… at least at this very moment, I’m ashamed of my problems. I’m ashamed, because my problems are trivial things for other people.
The bitterness I feel in my chest isn’t jealousy towards my friends. It might seem like it, and it might sound like I’m not aware of my own emotions – at least when it comes to its’ identification.
Human beings are somehow programmed to only see the negative things in life – and I hate it, because that’s exactly how I am. I wouldn’t call myself pessimistic, but every time something bad happens, I just can’t help but feel the rage I have for the world – but mainly for myself.
I have been on driving lessons for the past few days, and it actually went quite well.
But today, I somehow was very unfocused – enough for my teacher to suggest another teacher for me. I’m hardheaded, she says, and that I don’t quite listen to the things she says. I should also drive an automatic car, because I just can’t seem to get the whole changing gear thing.
I’m annoyed at myself for being so hardheaded, especially when it’s the second time I’ve been told the things she said to me to day. I’m definitely the problem, but I was so positive that I had made a difference. I thought I had changed at least a little bit – for the better.
I’m stressed, because I’m planning to get my car license this year in June/July. I don’t want to waste so much money – especially when it’s not my own.
It might seem like I’m being overdramatic about my car license situation – truth is, I know that’s the case. But it’s things like these that make my mind trigger a negativity point in my head where my brain decides that I should be reminded of everything that I’m bad at in life. One major factor after another, I slowly find myself being drowned in life – and I would suddenly find myself wondering, why can’t I be like this or that person?
A lot of people whom don’t understand depression usually says things like, “it’s going to be alright”, and “it’s not your fault”. Truth is, depressed people are fully aware of their situation – they know that it’s trivial matters that’s making them depressed sometimes.
“It’s definitely my own fault. I just haven’t tried hard enough.” are the only words that would go through my head when I hear comforting words from friends and family.
It’s the overwhelming emotions that’s making depression uncontrollable at times, not the act of understanding what one is depressed about.
Either way, I hope I’ll find a playlist that’s good enough to lift my spirits. Stressing about things like this, topping it with things like housing and university choices will most certainly make my head explode.
(Happy Easter by the way).