Posted in April, Uncategorized

April, oh April

In the name of anxiety and stress, to say that I am the only one who can control how I feel is quite an understatement (overstatement, depending how you see it).

It’s almost the end of April, and I have officially been in a slump for almost four months. I got into the program that I had been longing to get into, yet, as expected, it took me quite some time to figure out how I’m supposed to study, and simply get settled into the environment I’ve gotten myself into.

It’s so hard to settle my emotions and thoughts when there’s so much I’d love to do, but cannot do because of this slump I’ve been experiencing.

Let me define the slump I’ve experienced.

“A slump” is when you feel a strong force to do something, yet you can’t because of your mental state. Whether this is depression (which I’m pretty sure it isn’t, but perhaps something similar and less cruel) or not, you recognize that every failure that you’re experiencing are things that’s caused by you and you alone. But still, there’s no single hair on your body that can put yourself out there to make sure you do all the things that you’re supposed to do.

Perhaps this slump can also be correlated with laziness. At this point in my life, I don’t think I care enough to understand what I have been experiencing.

I’m going to sort my emotions and plans out on Thursday, and after that, everything shall be fine.

Although I cannot make any promises to myself at the moment, I’m sure time will.

(On the other hand, Hyukoh came out with their first album ever. It’s indescribably great).

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Posted in July

A Time and Place for Love and Change

It is mid-July, and lots of things has happened. I appreciate how this blog has become a journal to me, almost like a place where I can update myself on how I feel, both physically and emotionally.

I’ve still got around half a month to go on choosing my university major. There are some things to adress regarding the facts around me being a first-generation child in a foreign country, and being one of the first grandchildren of my grandparents (both sides) to be entering university. But since all of those things are a lot to discuss, I have decided to put those things in another post, and write an update post about what’s going on in my life instead.

So, what has happened after my high school graduation? Quite some things. I visited South Korea, downloaded some apps and have even talked to a lot strangers without any particular reason at all (in a non-creepy way – hopefully) – I even got asked out by a music major who’s quite the studd. I would meet him, if only I wasn’t so incredibly sheltered by my parents. I don’t blame them, though. I’m their first daughter whom was raised in a first-generation Asian household. Being sheltered isn’t very strange at all. Although there’s a part of me that wishes to pursue whatever possibilites there are after have met this person, I understand my own situation and has therefore decided for myself to not make a choice that I will definitely regret. Things like experiencing exciting emotions can come a bit later. You see, the things that are mentioned previously all very foreign things to me, since I’m an incredibly socially awkward introvert – or so I’ve always felt. It’s interesting to see new sides of me, and it makes me excited for what else I’ve got to experience. Although it’s cheesy, simple emotions like cherisihing someone and being cherished back, following by being respected or having your parents being proud of you as a daughter are all very beautiful emotions that we as humans don’t get to feel often enough.

Or perhaps it’s only me.

Either way, new experiences has made me excited for the future. It is alll very cheesy, but only the truth.

The only thing that’s left is to pull myself together and solve the unsolved riddles of life that I have left to solve.

 

Posted in June

The Darkest Place in Our Minds

rexThis post will not be as deep as the title suggests, I promise.

It’s been a hectic month. A month full of finales, both in forms of exams and small events that are Facebook-post worthy. You know, like getting your licence, graduating high school, buying a new laptop… everything seems to have it’s start and end at this month of this year. Oh, and also the whole situation with the UK leaving EU, and Scotland wanting to become an official independent state.

This year sure has had a lot going on!

It bothers me that all I can do (and have left to do) is to wait. Obviously, this won’t be a task that I’ll succeed with completely, as my mind always wanders to the darkest places of scenarios when it comes to life’s unexpected outcomes. Although I hate to admit it, my gut-feeling is usually right about those kind of things.

But I guess that’s just life. One can become so incredibly hopeful about something that’s happening in their lives at a specific moment that lasts only a few minutes – and immediately have them broken like a balloon being inflated. It’s truly fascinating how the mind – and time – works.

It’s also very weird to be so free from the school work that once carried so much weight in my life. Although this is only temporary freedom, it’s just nice to be able to take a breather from what seemed to carry so much meaning for how my life will turn out in the future.

People like to say that grades don’t define a person – but truth to be told, it does. As my parents usually say, only the best of the best outcomes will make one significant.

It’s quite a harsh quote, yes, but only the truth.

And with that, I shall leave you all with some pretty pictures of a newfound hobby of mine (since, you know, schoolwork’s over and all).

 

Posted in June, Uncategorized

There’s only so much I have for patience

It’s been a while. Last time I wrote something on this blog, I was worried and anxious. To be quite honest, I don’t think there will ever be a moment in my life where I will not feel those feelings. But on a better note, things that I’ve been worrying about around three months ago has come to an end – it’s just new things that keeps popping up out of nowhere like a hurricane on a Sunday afternoon.  But hey – this too shall pass, right?

I’ve been an emotional wreck ever since May now. Everything from meeting my parents’ secret expectations (I say secret, because I found out that they were secretly wanting me to accomplish something that I never took quite seriously – becoming a doctor), to graduating.

Oh, graduating.

The school I’ve been to has been a place of true ups and downs in my life. Looking back at it, there hasn’t been one single moment where I haven’t learnt something new – both emotionally, and academically.

One thing that has changed about it me quite drastically is my temper. I’ve always been bad at keeping my patience, and quite straightforward if there was anything I wasn’t happy with. And as I would love to say that my temper has becoming more settled down and patient, it has not. As of this particular moment, I can straight up confess that I don’t give much time or patience to things and people I don’t care about.

This, of course, is both a good and a bad thing. But my gut is telling me that it’s good, at least for someone like me who’s a quiet and observant introvert.

Hopefully it’ll come to use someday.

 

Posted in March, Uncategorized

Easter Break

I had originally not planned to make this blog into a getaway for my emotional moments – but well, so it seems to have become.

It’s Easter break, and everyone’ talking about how fun they are having. One of my friends were on a yacht yesterday, whilst my other friend’s having a family gathering in a nearby city. She’s got three aunts and one uncle, making their family gathering consisting of at least twenty people.

It’s nice to hear about other people’s happy times – it genuinely is. But more times than needed, I would feel a slight bitterness wash through my chest and onto my fingertips. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s almost as if everyone around me know exactly what they want, and what they’re supposed to do in order to get what they want.

As for me… at least at this very moment, I’m ashamed of my problems. I’m ashamed, because my problems are trivial things for other people.

The bitterness I feel in my chest isn’t jealousy towards my friends. It might seem like it, and it might sound like I’m not aware of my own emotions – at least when it comes to its’ identification.

Human beings are somehow programmed to only see the negative things in life – and I hate it, because that’s exactly how I am. I wouldn’t call myself pessimistic, but every time something bad happens, I just can’t help but feel the rage I have for the world – but mainly for myself.

I have been on driving lessons for the past few days, and it actually went quite well.

But today, I somehow was very unfocused – enough for my teacher to suggest another teacher for me. I’m hardheaded, she says, and that I don’t quite listen to the things she says. I should also drive an automatic car, because I just can’t seem to get the whole changing gear thing.

I’m annoyed at myself for being so hardheaded, especially when it’s the second time I’ve been told the things she said to me to day. I’m definitely the problem, but I was so positive that I had made a difference. I thought I had changed at least a little bit – for the better.

I’m stressed, because I’m planning to get my car license this year in June/July. I don’t want to waste so much money – especially when it’s not my own.

It might seem like I’m being overdramatic about my car license situation – truth is, I know that’s the case. But it’s things like these that make my mind trigger a negativity point in my head where my brain decides that I should be reminded of everything that I’m bad at in life. One major factor after another, I slowly find myself being drowned in life – and I would suddenly find myself wondering, why can’t I be like this or that person?

 

A lot of people whom don’t understand depression usually says things like, “it’s going to be alright”, and “it’s not your fault”. Truth is, depressed people are fully aware of their situation – they know that it’s trivial matters that’s making them depressed sometimes.

“It’s definitely my own fault. I just haven’t tried hard enough.” are the only words that would go through my head when I hear comforting words from friends and family.

It’s the overwhelming emotions that’s making depression uncontrollable at times, not the act of understanding what one is depressed about.

Either way, I hope I’ll find a playlist that’s good enough to lift my spirits. Stressing about things like this, topping it with things like housing and university choices will  most certainly make my head explode.

(Happy Easter by the way).

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Dear School System

Let’s talk about mental health. In the small bubble that I call life, mental health just isn’t talked about enough. It might seem overdramatic for a teenage girl to be venting her angers and anxiety on the internet – normal, almost. But truth is, such venting isn’t simply “normal” behavior. I have, after hard times, learnt at eighteen years old that feelings of guilt and depression aren’t simply emotions that one can shrug off. Never is it “ok” for a person to feel extreme fear or depression simply because of ths person’s age or gender.

A student, whom has to wake up early in the morning in order to go through at least six hours of lecture five days in a week, topping that with examinations every three weeks on twelve different subjects, simply isn’t the way to go.

When do we truly get the free time to be ourselves? When can we truly do things that we find fun, or experience things that we like? I often hide in my bedroom directly after school, only to get out of it when it’s dinner time. I do this not because I like to, but simply because I don’t have the privilege to go with the flow when it comes to my academic achievements.

Teenagers aren’t simply riding on emotional rollercoasters because it’s fun. It’s because – well, of life, really.

Posted in March

An Alternate Universe

In the long run, an alternate universe would be the solution to solving all of our problems. Whether it’s about complicated relationships, or life goals that never seems to be achieved, humans always wish for a loophole in which everyone and everything will seem and be easier than the world we’re currently living in.

Personally, I am also guilty of such thoughts. How wonderful would it be to teleport yourself  to a world with no problems? Or, at least, has things and situations that you’d wish for yourself in the real world?

Want the job? You’d get it in the alternate world.

Want the grades? You’d get hem in the alternate world.

But ultimately speaking, loopholes are for the lost ones. For the ones who feels that everything is lost, much alike the confusion one feels when they don’t know which way to turn while driving.

I like to remind myself where I am, and who I am at times in order to keep my feelings in check. Stress, breakdowns, depression… such things are only temporary. And yet it’s so hard to do the right thing at the right time. It’s obvious what the right thing is, right? Getting bad grades or getting yelled at isn’t the end of the world. Yet our brains  decides to extract chemicals that through chemical reactions become hormones that either makes our faces really spotty or childish by acting selfish – as if we’re the only ones who are having a rough time in this world filled with people who are still living in poverty or sadness.

Even this blog post is quite selfish of me. I, who have the privilege to have access to the internet and a roof over my head, as a getaway where I can vent my feelings in one way or another. But what about people who can’t? Those who have their logic and morals overtaken by the temporary feelings that they feel are monsters in our current society. Yet we will never understand – what is it like? Is it really because we’re so disconnected with such people that makes them people of “another kind”?

We’re all human beings whom with the evolution of this planet became thinking individuals with minds more complex than anything in this world – or are we?

I realize that the moral of this rant does not exist since I’m continuously diving into new problems at every new sentence. But one thing’s for sure – this, too, shall pass. Whatever it is, whomever is causing this – it will go away.

Song of the Day – Comfortzone by Basecamp